I feel like everything is really, really lame. I'm doing what I feel like I'm supposed to and I get sad sometimes for silly reasons because of the lack of a regular outlet but mostly I'm content/numb. I guess I'm doing whats expected of me and thats great, right? I can't really do exactly what I want at this point. I have goals to meet and rules to follow. I have shit to do and authority figures to listen to.
Am I a sell out? I don't know. Does not doing drugs, caring about your grades, getting rid of a shitty emo dye job, and joining a bunch of stupid extracurriculars make you a sell out? What was I before? I was a chronically depressed emo kid. That hasn't really changed. I have a lot more friends now but I still talk to the people I did before. I kind of love everyone. I used to make huge lists of people I hated but now the list is probably one hand and 3 or 4 fingers on the other hand.....Seriously, I'll list it out right now: ex boyfriend, awful fucking spanish teacher, muh brajah, muh dayd, fat asian druggie bitch, bitch with awful tattoo, manwhore who fucked me over, and Jared Leto....I love everybody else.
My problem isn't really tangiable. I'm just busy a lot and it fucks with my head. If I got enough sleep every night and ate the right amount of meals a day and worked really hard to be organized so I wasn't stressed all the time, I'd probably be less fucked but eating and sleeping are for faggots and I'd need a truckload of adderall to even start...Yeah, I'm gonna try. I'm gonna get meds and study and suck up to teachers and put other people before myself and get into college and not kill myself. Thats always been my intention, I just want to enjoy it.
Sometimes I'm so happy I can't even contain myself but then I forget something and fuck up or let the anxiety get to me and think of 10,000 things that could blow up in my face. I need to get over that. I will, I promise.
World, I'm going to be fantastic. I already am, but its going to be consistent as fcuk. Promise. Its always been my intention to turn out that way. Being fantastic is difficult and is driving me to pills but back when I really, truely felt like I sucked, I was always miserable. I'm going to be happy but more importantly, I'm going to be absolutely amazing.
I PROMISE that things arn't going to be lame anymore. I'm not going to be lazy. I'm not going to be normal. I'm going to work my ass off and spread the way I feel everywhere. This is it. This is where it changes. This is the turning point for the way things are going to be. Now. Here. And I'm ready.
WHILE I'M AT IT, HERE. HAVE A LIST.
Do not want:
Too much practice
Caring what people think
Yelling at people over facebook
Oh my god, you know who you are.