Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Written with self-conciousness

All day long, if I don't have anything that I have to do or any distractions that are really hard to ignore, I visualize.
I think about food and sex all day. Not together, I'm not that adventurous, but those are pretty much it. In the mornings, I think about sleep. Sometimes I worry about the shit that I just did/have yet to do or judge the people around me. What I mean is, I don't sit in class all day just mindfucking myself with the joys of learning, even when I get a few minutes to think or read. No grand epiphanies while pouring over Dostoevsky. No composure gained from becoming alligned with the beauty of the universe by meditation. No deep, tremendous reverberations of understanding garnered while alone with my own thoughts. I just think about the feelings. The tastes. The endorphins exploding inside of me. The satisfaction being fulfilled. My bodily needs are my primary concern. All day long, I think about food, sleep, and sex.
I thought about my perfect day. I did for a while and I realized these were the three key elements in it. I would wake up, stay in bed until I could no longer deal with myself, take to the mirror and dab paint on my face as I pleased and then I would cook for a bit. I wouldn't make anything elaborate, I'm not that much of a glutton. Probably just pie. Fucking pie. God, there's no creation by man that gives me more pure enjoyment. Except for cupcakes......god, you know what, I'd just make fucking baked goods then eat them almost until I hated myself.
After I eat for too long, sleep for too long, or even just go too long without doing anything productive, I get this huge wave of self-loathing that doesn't really go away until I do something that seems useful. Its best if its something I don't enjoy that much. Only then do I feel self-worth. But this is a perfect day. Its no time for my silly little, fucked up masochism habit. After I shoved my stupid little chubby whore baked goods in my stupid little chubby whore face, I'd get an oppourtunity to have sex with somebody.
I can't really describe sex, I've never had it and I don't like to read erotica or watch porn. I know the dynamics of it I guess. I just lie there and moan, right? Hah. Hah. Hah.
But really, I don't know how to describe it, I just know that I want it. All the fucking time. I guess I know what sort of person I want it with. Skinny/muscular. Intellegent but not necessarily booky. Nice eyes, nice lips. Social but reserved. Kind of punk rawk/hipstery sort. Fairly attractive genitalia I'd willingly put my face up against. Wants to fuck me and tells me that they want to fuck me. That would be lovely. Just take all of the energy my body's been holding in and slam it against them over and over again. Its nothing but a biological need. If you go too long without it when you want it, you become physically worse off. To fuck is nothing beautiful. Its ugly if anything. Its a mishmash of genitalia rather then a beautiful intwinement of souls, isn't it? Sure there's emotions that come with it (damn hormones) but like......fuck them. No emotions on my perfect day.
After that, I think I'd just stop moving. I wouldn't exactly pass out, my mind and body would just agree to chill and not do anything anymore. Almost as much as I like being asleep, I like being dormant. That feeling you get when you're at peace, pretty much awake but just lying around. The physical warmth is delicious, its really beyond anything else for me. My perfect day would have that, maybe some cuddling, then sleep.
Sleeping itself is one of my fucking favorite things, not because I am necessarily lazy (although I guess I am if I can't find anything to do), but because when I'm sleeping, thats the only time I really forget about everything thats bothering me. I can't be worried or afraid or sad or hateful or right or wrong when I'm asleep. I'm just gone. The rest of the world isn't just put on hold when I'm asleep, it straight up doesn't fucking exist. Maybe there is some sort of spirit realm and you visit it to a very tiny extent when you're asleep. Thats always how I'd hope the afterlife would be. Just an idyllic sense of peace and total satisfaction in mind and body.

I wonder what my perfect day would be like if I didn't have any urges. Probably something about my death.

Written with self-awareness

I am so fucking lucky I can't even stand it sometimes.
Fucking Japan. If there were no natural disasters, the world would physically cave in on itself or something but they're just....beyond unbelievable to me. Thinking selfishly (like I usually do), I guess I try to live every moment to the fullest. The worst thing that could ever happen to me would be an early death. I kind of hope there's some greater peace after this life but I have to doubt it. This is all there is. This moment, this now, this little second, this fucking shit particle on the infiniteness of eternity is dwindling, slipping away, and I am ruining myself if I take it for granted. For something so random, so completely and totally unpredictable to end my life forever without me not having ever really lived it....thats me doing myself the biggest injustice ever.
I could be dead. Not even from an earthquake or a hurricane. I could get hit by a car next time I go for a walk. I could get tuburculosis from the next person I kiss. I could provoke somebody to murder me next time I get into an argument. I could die doing the stupidest shit. How many people in Japan were on the toilet when the earthquake hit? or the tsunami? Chances are there are a bunch of people who not only were shitting but are now dead. And their last moments were spent defecating.
Life has no meaning, does it? What is there, really? There is no logical proof for a god, any sort of supernatural interference, any sort of higher power. We as beings feel pain and beauty but what can we really make of it? There is nothing other then you. You are your own god and your life's meaning is to garner as much enjoyment and pleasure as you can from it.

I'm glad I'm not dead.
I'm sending money to Japan.
I'm gonna get so fucking wasted that I cannot remember my own name.

Written with absolutely no self-awareness at all

I'm really, really sad and I don't know why.
Actually, I guess I sort of do. Something reminded me of the passage of time. I think it was the weather. I saw the sky get a little bluer and the snow start to melt and I thought SHIT. WHERE WAS I LAST YEAR WHEN THIS STARTED TO HAPPEN?

I was here. I was the exact same place I am now. I keep thinking about it and the more I do, the more I realize how little has changed. The same things make me unhappy. I have the same problems. I've made pretty much no progress in....anything. No new relationships. No new passions. No new reasons to live. No new happiness at all. I'm the exact same fucking person I was a year ago and I was bored and fed up with it then and I'm still that way now.

I've tried. I've forced myself into things. I've taken risks. I've gotten sad over it. I've forgotten about it for a while then come back to it again and cried some fucking more. I don't know what I even want anymore. Its silly I guess. As much as I think of how nothing has changed, nothing really bad has happened. Its just been a lukewarm fucking year. Just a lukewarm, ugly little shitbucket of a fucking year for me.

Thinking back, I've always had the same goal; self improvement. Chip away at all the qualities that make me loath myself. Get better. Stop sucking so fucking much. I'm exactly the fucking same though. Just a year of me trying and trying to make something happen that never, ever did. I'll be 17 in a month. I think I'll be glad that its over.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Me and my boobs.

boo boo (CrappyGuitar18) is available

boo boo: is it still 19 over 15?
boo boo: yeah
boo boo: i read everything on my bros iphone

TumorAttitude: what?
TumorAttitude: huh?

boo boo: the thread

TumorAttitude: thoughts?

boo boo: im about to make a big bloated comment and i want you to post it there

TumorAttitude: Okay.

TumorAttitude: boobs?

boo boo: hold on

boo boo: almost done

boo boo: Guys, I've taken a gander of this thread on my brothers iphone, I read everything. For one, I didn't even know banning me for a year was a group decision, I thought that was just Satchmo going on an ego trip. Yes I'm starting to miss the site, in spite of all the negative things I have to say about it, there are people who make it worthwhile and i miss talking to them, I miss some of the interesting debates that were going on. However it's not like I can't live without this site, I do have things going on in my life outside of the internet you know, I'm taking a GED test this month, I've been talking to my mom about what kind of college I want to go to. Yeah sure another 6 and a half months isnt gonna kill me, but it isn't gonna make that much of a difference, it isn't gonna change my perspective, and you all know it. I said the mods were a bunch of lazy fucks, yet they're pretty devoted to keeping me away for as long as possible, so maybe I didn't give them enough credit, however I still think they are mostly elitist, incompetent, biased dicks. That is an opinion that will never change, I'm not sugercoating that one bit. But, I'm willing to swallow my pride and try to adapt to the rules, especially knowing now that the reputations (possibly even the membership) of my supporters are at stake and one more fuck up could end the few friendships I have on this website, that doesn't mean I'm willing to kiss the asses of people I despise (GuitarBizarre can still eat a fat dick), but I can at least try to focus my attention where such people don't dwell. I don't see why you can't just ban me from the shoutbox or something which is almost always where I started controversy (save the whole banning everybody when i was a mod because of a stupid argument about feminism thing). Do I have an issue with self control? To an extent yes. But my life has gone through some unexpected changes lately, it's getting progressively less shittier and it seems like I might actually have a future after all. So if you guys feel THAT strongly about me doing the extra time, that's fine, I won't lose sleep over it. I just don't see the f*cking point, if you really think I'm just gonna get banned again and that I have nothing to contribute to the site you might as well permaban me instead of pretending like you're being fair to me.
boo boo: anyway, is big3 on an ego trip or what?

boo boo: seriously threatening to ban everybody who voted yes, that's fucking ridiculous
boo boo: do they really think im THAT much of a problem?
boo boo: he has to resort to calling everyone on my side a clown
boo boo: jeez
boo boo: that one guy had a point, it's not like a constantly trolled the forum
boo boo: in fact i never really trolled the forum
boo boo: i went off on people

TumorAttitude: I'd still talk to you if they banned me.
TumorAttitude: I changed my sig encouraging then to ban me.

TumorAttitude: GB is a dick.

boo boo: its not like that was everyone one of my posts, i dont see why a little post deleting is so difficult, thats basically how they dealt with CC for the longest time
boo boo: dont encourage them to ban you
boo boo: thats stupid
boo boo: and yes he is

TumorAttitude: why not

boo boo: if you can, copy any direct responses to my comment for me

TumorAttitude: okay.

boo boo: i need you to be my mediator lol

TumorAttitude: no responses yet

boo boo: bbl its lightning

boo boo (CrappyGuitar18) is available

boo boo: any yet?

TumorAttitude: jansoon bolded the last sentence and addded
TumorAttitude: Request granted boobs. Go live your life.

boo boo: wow
boo boo: ok
boo boo: now that there is nothing at stake for me anymore
boo boo: tell them this

boo boo: Janzoon is a power abusing twat who is so up his own asshole he thinks he can make this decision on his own without the consent of other forum members. This has been a very polarizing thread, I know I'm not the greatest guy. But I deserve more that such a brief smug response from a lazy mod who never contributes anything other than brief comments of stuckuphisownassishness.
boo boo: fuck you Janzoon

TumorAttitude: alrighty.
TumorAttitude: You're not helping your cause by insulting anybody who disagrees with you.
TumorAttitude: Should I post it anyway?

boo boo: is that what he said?

TumorAttitude: yes.
TumorAttitude: No thats what I say.

boo boo: yes
boo boo: also tell him he's an idiot and always has been

boo boo: and tell them that's the worst rationalization for banning me permanently i've ever fucking seen

TumorAttitude: shall I bleep out the curses with teh swear filter?

boo boo: sure


boo boo: im bored as shit, the possibility of college life is still quite a fucking while away, i just said i miss the forum, not even allowing the community debate weither i have merits as a poster and deserve another chance is totally unfair

boo boo: community to debate*

TumorAttitude: amandria says: . Actually, I have nothing to say about this.

TumorAttitude: should I say that?

boo boo: you cant let that one douche resolve this shit on his own

TumorAttitude: stone birds says
TumorAttitude: truthfully i don't think boo boo was ever all that bad sure he was psychotic but please we all are, i think i few people who hate him just created a "hysteria" of some sort (there's probably a slightly better word to use but i can't think of it right now) on this situation.

boo boo: stone birds can fuck off
boo boo: you dont have to post that but you can if you want

TumorAttitude: I'm not even reading this shit as I post it.

boo boo: actually
boo boo: dont
boo boo: lol

TumorAttitude: read it?

boo boo: at least plea to keep the thread open
boo boo: they're trying to sweep this under the rug and hide what's happening so they can do this shady shit without alarm

TumorAttitude: uhhhhhh

boo boo: without causing alarm*

boo boo: fuck this
boo boo: i'm joining stormfront
boo boo: and i'm posting pictures of janszoon's wife

TumorAttitude: what?
TumorAttitude: WHAT?
TumorAttitude: You're kind of a fucking twat.

boo boo: i know
boo boo: actually i cant do that anyway

TumorAttitude: Work with them insted of against them.

boo boo: lol
boo boo: oh come the fuck on
boo boo: i cant work with them

TumorAttitude: Manipulation isn't just for people with T&A.

boo boo: seriously


boo boo: tell them what im about to say

boo boo: i take the fucking time to make a well thought out argument for why i want to return to the website and to correct some of the misguided comments made about me
boo boo: and his response is to perma ban me
boo boo: FUCK HIM
boo boo: post all of that

TumorAttitude: jansoon says I think it's pretty interesting that boobs thinks my comment was smug. It was actually sincere, I do hope he goes and lives his life. He sounds like he has some good stuff going on and I hope he continues along that route, whatever epithets he chooses to hurl my way. He used to do the same thing to me while I was busy sticking up for him in the mod cave so, unfortunately, it's pretty much expected.

Also, Tumor, please keep in mind that he is banned from posting on this site so please stop enabling him by acting as his proxy here. Thanks

boo boo: that's it
boo boo: i'm deleting the cookies from my browser so i can view the website

TumorAttitude: Uhhh, if you want to keep yelling I could copypaste your responses and copypaste the AIM conversation into my blog that no one reads then link it in the thread.

boo boo: ah fucking forget it

TumorAttitude: nah, I'll do that.
TumorAttitude: You have 4-5 minutes to rip into everybody and then I'm going to bed.

boo boo: dont its pointless no one will read it

TumorAttitude: I have a spanish test tomorrow.

boo boo: fuck it

TumorAttitude: They all will, people think its hilarious.

boo boo: actually posting the picture on 4chan would be worse
boo boo: especially if i can find his AIM or email address

TumorAttitude: Gee, you're nice.
TumorAttitude: He hasn't said anything mean to you.
TumorAttitude: Fuck you boobs.
TumorAttitude: Rip into everybody.

boo boo: i just hate him

TumorAttitude: Do something entertaining.
TumorAttitude: Tell me I'm pretty.

boo boo: im too pissed at him to care about anyone else right now


boo boo: you're fucking ugly

TumorAttitude: LOOK AT ME.
TumorAttitude: How am I fucking ugly?
TumorAttitude: You're fucking ugly. I'm your biff.

boo boo: i hate everyone right now
boo boo: just
boo boo: fuck

TumorAttitude: I didn't do anything to you
TumorAttitude: Awwwww, baby

TumorAttitude: you remind me of myself
TumorAttitude: when I was 10.
TumorAttitude: fuck you bewbz.

boo boo: eh
boo boo: i didnt mean it jesus

TumorAttitude: salright.

boo boo: im not mad at you, but i have to take it out on somebody

TumorAttitude: Take it out on some pretentious bald women. I'm fucking awesome. Fuck you.

boo boo: cuz yes im made, i didnt espect such a stupid fucking response to my comment
boo boo: mad*
boo boo: especially from someone who is supposed to be a mod
boo boo: well yes
boo boo: i know im a hypocrite
boo boo: im also not a mod anymore
boo boo: i even admit i was never cut out for it

boo boo: but that's the kind of modding you see on anime forums
boo boo: i mean jesus fucking christ

TumorAttitude: Oh. Gee.

boo boo: can you find out if he has an AIM address?
boo boo: jans
boo boo: i wont tell him it was you who gave it to me
boo boo: i know that would get you in trouble

TumorAttitude: Are you fucking kidding me?
TumorAttitude: No!

boo boo: ok then

TumorAttitude: Why do you have a picture of this man's wife?
TumorAttitude: What the fuck is wrong with you?

boo boo: i dont

TumorAttitude: GOOD

boo boo: he posted it on the forum
boo boo: which i cant even see
boo boo: im a little spiteful yeah?

TumorAttitude: uhhhhhh
TumorAttitude: are you done?

boo boo: i tried starting an account on 4chan a long time ago and i couldnt figure it out

TumorAttitude: ..................

boo boo: so i wasnt being serious, just fantasizing about it really

TumorAttitude: you don't start accounts on 4chan

boo boo: well i tried posting and it didnt work

TumorAttitude: You don't start accounts on 4chan. Its anonymous.
TumorAttitude: Gee.

boo boo: sorry if you're mad at me now

TumorAttitude: I'm not.
TumorAttitude: I'm publishing this.

boo boo: i made that comment expecting a decent debate from the mods
boo boo: and what i got

TumorAttitude: You're ridiculousness is catching on.
TumorAttitude: poor Anteater got caught up in all of this....

boo boo: was a power abusing hack of a mod swallowing his own jizz
boo boo: fine

TumorAttitude: are you done yet?

boo boo: tell him im sorry
boo boo: you gonna block me now?

TumorAttitude: No, never
TumorAttitude: Tell me I'm pretty.

boo boo: you're pretty

TumorAttitude: why would I block you?

boo boo: because i'm going to do this
boo boo: im never talking to you again

TumorAttitude: what?
TumorAttitude: Why not?

boo boo (CrappyGuitar18) is available

boo boo: ahhh
boo boo: im just kidding
boo boo: im such a dick