Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Written with absolutely no self-awareness at all

I'm really, really sad and I don't know why.
Actually, I guess I sort of do. Something reminded me of the passage of time. I think it was the weather. I saw the sky get a little bluer and the snow start to melt and I thought SHIT. WHERE WAS I LAST YEAR WHEN THIS STARTED TO HAPPEN?

I was here. I was the exact same place I am now. I keep thinking about it and the more I do, the more I realize how little has changed. The same things make me unhappy. I have the same problems. I've made pretty much no progress in....anything. No new relationships. No new passions. No new reasons to live. No new happiness at all. I'm the exact same fucking person I was a year ago and I was bored and fed up with it then and I'm still that way now.

I've tried. I've forced myself into things. I've taken risks. I've gotten sad over it. I've forgotten about it for a while then come back to it again and cried some fucking more. I don't know what I even want anymore. Its silly I guess. As much as I think of how nothing has changed, nothing really bad has happened. Its just been a lukewarm fucking year. Just a lukewarm, ugly little shitbucket of a fucking year for me.

Thinking back, I've always had the same goal; self improvement. Chip away at all the qualities that make me loath myself. Get better. Stop sucking so fucking much. I'm exactly the fucking same though. Just a year of me trying and trying to make something happen that never, ever did. I'll be 17 in a month. I think I'll be glad that its over.

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