Tuesday, December 7, 2010

This was probably funnier IRL.

9:44pm Perv Guy:

9:44pm Hacked Account:
oh my fucking god

9:44pm Perv Guy:
what ?? haha sorry

9:44pm Hacked Account:

9:44pm Perv Guy:
bears bahaha

9:45pm Hacked Account:
Goddamn, they're coming to get me. They've been after me for awhile and I don't know how much longer I can run from them.
The bears.
The polar bears are the worst. Beady little soulless black eyes, shining in a sea of white.
I hate it.

9:45pm Perv Guy:

9:45pm Hacked Account:
Okay .....

9:46pm Perv Guy:
haha your so funny !

9:46pm Hacked Account:
, I can't do this! Why did I have to go and piss off the Easter Bunny?

9:46pm Perv Guy:

9:47pm Hacked Account:
The Easter Bunny told Santa and now he's not gonna bring me shit. :(
But like.......
I can deal with that. I know you're gonna buy me a ton of presents so I don't need Santa. But the fucking bears.
They won't leave me alone.

9:47pm Perv Guy:
haha just stop im going to die from lol

9:47pm Hacked Account:
Dem Bears.
Fuck the damn bears.

9:48pm Perv Guy:

9:48pm Hacked Account:
Fuck the Easter Bunny and his tiny ballsack.
Why did I have to go
and point out his fucking ballsack?
and piss the fucking Easter bunny off?

9:48pm Perv Guy:

9:48pm Hacked Account:
Is that all you have to fucking say? To this whole thing, thats all you have to fucking say to me?
These bears.
They're tearing me apart.....

9:49pm Perv Guy:
bahahhahaha what the fuck are you talking about hhahaha

9:49pm Hacked Account:
You won't understand.
You can never understand. You have a normal sized ballsack and a peaceful life, free from the terror of bears.....

9:50pm Perv Guy:
LMFAO WTF!!!!!!!!!!

9:51pm Hacked Account:
Don't laugh at my life! Go look at my fucking status, I'm not playing around with this shit!
Have you ever ran a mile in the snow in only your socks because the Easter Bunny sent 4 starving polar bears at you?
I lost 4 of my toes!

9:53pm Perv Guy:

9:53pm Hacked Account:
What the fuck am I to do with 6 toes?

9:53pm Perv Guy:
uhh i dunno hahahahahahahah

You have signed off.

Monday, November 22, 2010


They told me to draw a body of water.

I remember I wanted it to be big, like the ocean, but when I thought of the ocean I thought of a very commercial place with hotels, logos, trash, lack of wildlife, and too many people. And the sun, which I hated. The ocean wasn't right at all. I tried to picture the quarry at Nelson's Ledges. I loved Nelson's Ledges and I swam the quarry to the other side and back a few times every time I visited the park. It was beautiful but it was too easy. It wasn't right either.

I thought about the water that I wanted to draw. I wanted it to be huge. I saw it in my head. Huge. I think its next to a nuclear power plant. Maybe Perry's Nuclear Power Plant, maybe one thats not really around here. Probably one I've never seen before. I pictured myself standing on one side of it and staring, seeing the unknown spread out before me under a cloudy sky. I can't see the other side of it. I'm terrified but I roll of my shirt and I start wading in it. The water gets deeper and deeper. I can't stand anymore without my face going under so I push off hard and start swimming.

I keep going. In my fantasy, it just keeps getting deeper and deeper and I just keep getting less and less sure of myself. I feel fish beneath me. I feel life and maybe something mythical. Something weird. Fish brushing up against my legs. Hands from some underwater succubus trying to grab me and pull me down. I don't even look. I'm afraid of what I'll see. I keep swimming.

I'm in the runoff. I'm in the liquid cancer and the radiation. I am breathing it in and bathing in it. I think I feel the tumors growing on my body. Oh, what can I do about the tumors? They'll fall off on their own when I get out of the water. I'm not even worried about them. I have to keep going.

This is a headplace that I go back to. I picture myself in this place a lot but I never stop swimming or get to the end. I never even see the land mass on the other side of the water.
I remember the boy next to me was very cute and flirty. I remember his name was Jimmy. He had light blue eyes and a nice voice. I liked looking at him and he talked to me about albums. I didn't really know what I was talking about when I said I liked XY or Z but he believed my lies and I was happy just to be talking to him. I pretended that I liked Led Zeppelin.

I wasn't very good at drawing and just ended up with an inky ocean of blue so I just started scribbling and let my daydreams take over. Jimmy drew a puddle and when they asked him how he would cross it, he said that he would casually stick the tip of his foot in to create a ripple. Then he would step in it, stay there for a few seconds and walk away. While we were drawing, he was flirting with one of the other girls. Tickling her. I could be doing that, I thought. I stop swimming. Stop drawing. Am I missing out?

Hm. Maybe. I don't really think I am. I feel like this daydream is kind of too powerful to stop. I keep swimming. What am I swimming for? What am I trying to do? I have no idea. Whatever the goal is though, its probably the most important thing in my life. I think I have bitemarks from the bitter creatures that have snapped at me. I think my lungs are bleeding from what I've inhaled. But I realize that I don't care. Whatever this is is bigger then my hurt. Its worth the pain. While I'm working for this, I am durable. I don't care about anything else.

I remember how my jaw clenched when they told us that the body of water represented our desire for love. Mine was deep. Mine was huge. Mine was bigger then I could fathom and so beautiful and so pure........

I remember how it clenched even tighter when they told us that the way we cross the body of water was how hard we were willing to work for love and how wet we get is how willing we are to get hurt. I cry. Its the truth.

I long for people. I try to find somebody to long for before I go to sleep. Somebody to think about. I alternate between 2 or 3 people. I want them and I feel close to them but they never really lasts. If I develop something with some wonderful person, I appreciate them but get sick of them quckly and want to be less close. They ARE wonderful but really better as friends. The little things about them. The way they type "Ok" instead of "Okay" bothers me. I ask them to name 3 countries under dictatoral rule and they can't. And I bother them. They don't want my intensity. They arn't ready for it. They think that I cuss too much. And thats okay. I'm a nice person, even if I use the unfemine word fuck. I'll make a nice friend.

I want something better someday. You won't be religeous at all. You'll love some of the same music that I do. Hopefully your libido will match up with mine. I'll drink every fiber of your being in and none of it will bother me. You are smooth. You have no sharp edges. You have nothing for my inner monologue to snag on and be bothered by. I like every part of you and I love being around you. This feeling lasts.

You are crazy about me. You are my control. I don't care if you fuck other people. Its biological and maybe one day I'll slip up and fuck somebody else too. You won't care. You listen to me talk about the universe and how knowing that I'm small makes me feel safe. You like my tattoos. Sometimes you suck on them. I hope you have tattoos but if you don't, I don't care. I don't care if you hate aesthetics as long as you love me back. I will be your tattoo. I will be the image that follows you around. I will be the thing you commit to. Something you never get sick of.

I change for the better around you. I organize things more. Smile even more. Appreciate my place in the world more. I am more creative, more ambitious. I wake you up with oral sex. I clean. I cook. Maybe I take a second job. Maybe I jog the extra mile. Just you existing makes me happy and you existing and loving me back makes me want to be a light. I want to create the perfect world for you and make everything as amazing as I possibly can.

Saturday, September 4, 2010


Dear world,

I feel like everything is really, really lame. I'm doing what I feel like I'm supposed to and I get sad sometimes for silly reasons because of the lack of a regular outlet but mostly I'm content/numb. I guess I'm doing whats expected of me and thats great, right? I can't really do exactly what I want at this point. I have goals to meet and rules to follow. I have shit to do and authority figures to listen to.

Am I a sell out? I don't know. Does not doing drugs, caring about your grades, getting rid of a shitty emo dye job, and joining a bunch of stupid extracurriculars make you a sell out? What was I before? I was a chronically depressed emo kid. That hasn't really changed. I have a lot more friends now but I still talk to the people I did before. I kind of love everyone. I used to make huge lists of people I hated but now the list is probably one hand and 3 or 4 fingers on the other hand.....Seriously, I'll list it out right now: ex boyfriend, awful fucking spanish teacher, muh brajah, muh dayd, fat asian druggie bitch, bitch with awful tattoo, manwhore who fucked me over, and Jared Leto....I love everybody else.

My problem isn't really tangiable. I'm just busy a lot and it fucks with my head. If I got enough sleep every night and ate the right amount of meals a day and worked really hard to be organized so I wasn't stressed all the time, I'd probably be less fucked but eating and sleeping are for faggots and I'd need a truckload of adderall to even start...Yeah, I'm gonna try. I'm gonna get meds and study and suck up to teachers and put other people before myself and get into college and not kill myself. Thats always been my intention, I just want to enjoy it.

Sometimes I'm so happy I can't even contain myself but then I forget something and fuck up or let the anxiety get to me and think of 10,000 things that could blow up in my face. I need to get over that. I will, I promise.

World, I'm going to be fantastic. I already am, but its going to be consistent as fcuk. Promise. Its always been my intention to turn out that way. Being fantastic is difficult and is driving me to pills but back when I really, truely felt like I sucked, I was always miserable. I'm going to be happy but more importantly, I'm going to be absolutely amazing.

I PROMISE that things arn't going to be lame anymore. I'm not going to be lazy. I'm not going to be normal. I'm going to work my ass off and spread the way I feel everywhere. This is it. This is where it changes. This is the turning point for the way things are going to be. Now. Here. And I'm ready.


Do not want:

Spanish test

Too much practice

Neutral colors

Boring musc

Caring what people think


Yelling at people over facebook

Feeling tired

Feeling depressed

Feeling unloved

Feeling trapped





YOU. <3

Oh my god, you know who you are.

Friday, January 15, 2010

So, he said no.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

I should be sadder then I am, but I'm not. Anyone who can't fully appreciate this masterpiece of a lovenote is unworthy.

I mean, just looooooook at that. I still write in cursive. How fucking endearing am I? And look at the top, where I tapped my pen 5000 times onto the paper in a Michael-Cera like wave of akwardorableness? I'm a catch.